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Friday, October 5, 2012

Field of Screams - Corn Mazes Exposed!

By John Morgan

"Help - I am Lost and I Haven’t Even Entered the Corn Maze Yet!"

Halloween is a big enough and versatile holiday to handle just about everyone’s tastes. Since Halloween is agile enough to please just about everyone, there are bound to be elements that simply are not your cup of cider.

At the risk of polarizing our readers (and we know who both of you are), we here at Halloween for All have a confession to make: corn mazes appeal to us as much as pork flavored ice cream - we are simply lost regarding their popularity.

So, if we understand it correctly, the allure of corn mazes consists of the following: you get to go to the country; you get find a corn maze that suits your needs; you get to shuck out some boo dollars; you get to enter a hot, humid, perhaps bug infested corn field; you get to have hours - perhaps even days - of fun as you wander around seeking an exit. Is that correct (minus of course any effort on our part to describe anything remotely resembling fun)?

We are huge fans of critical thinking here at Halloween for All, it is the only way we can maximize the limited gray matter in our gourds. Therefore, we will apply Barbasol shaving cream to the problem and then whip out Occam’s Razor - which states that the simplest solution is often the best – and we will shave ourselves a solution in no time!

Ah, we have it! Don’t enter the maze. Even better, stay at home!

So in a real sense you will be saving corn by not visiting a corn field. When you stay home, you won’t expend any corn ethanol; when you don’t use any corn ethanol, fossil fuels aren’t used in creation and transportation of the corn ethanol; when farmers decide that it is better just to grow corn in the former maze paths, additional corn will be grown; when additional corn is grown, more feed is available for domestic livestock; when more feed is available, pigs will multiply and get larger – which in turn can be used for making more pork flavored ice cream. It is the perfect win-win!

Isn’t it wonderful what you can do with properly applied critical thinking!

However, we also realize that there are some corn haters out there who can not or will not be persuaded to not go into a corn maze no matter how compelling the arguments against it are! Therefore, we reluctantly will provide you with the following resources for your sick amusement:

One final warning before we select submit to this post, let us ask you this: Are corn mazes part of a complex, subsidized government effort, to keep us distracted and misinformed, in order to fog the collective memory of humankind regarding not the nature of corn mazes, but rather the true alien menace - crop circles?

Quick tell us, what came first, the corn maze or the crop circle? See for most you, you simply do not know or worse, you might even be thinking “I don’t care!” And if that is the case, wouldn’t that be exactly how the power elite would want you to feel.

"Cucurbita Panem et Circenses"


  1. Olá, vim agradecer a visita ao meu blog, dizer que és sempre bem vindo, estou te seguindo também e te convido a conhecer meu outro blog, o qual eu dedico amor a minha filha que partiu, sinta-se a vontade em conhecer, beijos no coração da Thyara, mamãe do anjo Malu...

    1. Thank you for visiting. We love your blogs as well. Happy Early Halloween!

  2. Hi dear,

    Gladly follow you back via gfc.

    Lots of kisses,

    1. Thanks! Especially for the lots of kisses, something us Pumpkin-Heads never get enough of...You have a fun blog and much more fashion sense than we'll ever have.

  3. This cracked me up! I actually LOVE corn mazes o.O
    I make no excuses, I've always loved them!
    I don't mind haters though, the less people in the maze, the more enjoyable xD
    (For the customer, I'm sure the farmers would disagree!)

    1. Thank you for dropping by and commenting!

      At least you are self aware enough to know what you like and you have the courage to stand by your convictions. It's been my experience that most customers in corn mazes haven't a clue as to what they are doing or where they are going.

      As for your observations about farmers disagreeing with the sentiments in my post, I am sure that there are a few who might simply because of the hundreds of thousands dollars that these mazes bring into their otherwise struggling farms.

      But we here at Halloween Fun for All are climbing above the corn stalks to see these maize mazes for what they really are: A Distraction from the Alien Crop Circles!